real talk

I'm bringing some issues to light that I don't usually talk about, but I believe in the value of putting them on display to dissect and examine. Here's a confession: I've never really considered myself attractive. I have attractive moments -- where I feel like, damn, I really am beautiful -- but these moments are fleeting and never long-lived. I suppose this comes from some fucked up messages I received while growing up. On top of that, I feel extra unattractive because I'm overweight. And I have been overweight (according to those medical height-weight charts) for virtually my entire life. And so I've felt like an ugly duckling virtually my entire life... And it's only gotten worse over the past couple of years. I'm going to blame my 30 pound weight gain on grad school-related depression (and the apparent inability to take off those pounds).

I'm intimidated -- almost to the point of paralyzation -- to be judged according to my looks. I've attributed the fact that I haven't had a man since I've moved to Michigan to my massive weight gain. I suppose somewhere else deep down inside I feel like I don't deserve a man because I'm not attractive/thin/sexy enough. I know this, but what to do about it?

My personal ad illicited a response from a very sexy law student. I'm definitely interested... and forgot to put in my profile that I am a full-figured woman. I don't know this for a fact, but I fear rejection alone on the strength of not being 130 pounds. Sometimes I take some beautiful-gorgeous pictures and I can send those to see what his response may be BUT I'm afraid for that initial meeting. Will he be able to see through this fragile veneer of confidence to all of the insecurity and self-doubt underneath?