Monday, July 30, 2007

does schooling get in the way of education?

I'll admit that this is a pretty controversial question for someone in training to be an academic. I revisited one of my first loves - the library. Now this was way before using the library solely as a place to search for books/articles for reviews of literature. I mean, before the shitstorm of papers began, when reading was a pure joy... I used to go to the library every few weeks or so, wander up and down the aisles, examine an interesting title, and flip over to read the description. It is the opportunity to learn a lot about many different subjects. Just to fulfill your curiosity on a variety of subjects.

This opportunity was pretty much lost to me once I began high school because of the shitstorm of papers. I'm reading this book about finances, "Rich Dad, Poor Dad." I happened upon an interesting concept of the author about education. He argues against specialization in any one field, saying that the truly successful know a little bit about a lot and are able to integrate that information to work in their favor.

Now a Ph.D. is about as specialized as you can get.... It's about a new level of learning - creating knowledge. It's about asking questions and critically thinking and testing out theories. While I may be able to recite stats about media socialization and gender roles, I'm missing out on all of the other knowledge that's out there. I have ideas about what I wanna do. It's not about pigeon-holing myself in this one area either. The problem is that I have no clue what else is out there beyond the very specialized information that I receive from folks who have preceded in the same footsteps.

I reexperienced some of the true joy in just letting my mind wander wherever it wanted to go. Learning just for the sake of learning about whatever. How can I get that back? How do I go about being a student of life and experience if this is what I truly want? This may be out there, but it is one huge part of the motivation of formulating an exit plan before I even start building an academic career.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

seasons change

"People come into your live in the category of a tree...A leaf is supposed to teach you one thing...If somebody hurt you and you see them fix it or try to fix it, keep that person around, that's a leaf tryin to grow to be something else. If they don't fix it, and don't care...let them go." -- Tyler Perry, as spoken by Madea in "Madea Goes to Jail."

I'm ready to speak on the situations that have been brewing over the past couple of days, hence all of the cryptic posts. Something pretty amazing happened the other night. Chicago called me up for a heart-to-heart. He is rising to the occasion of being the man, the partner that I deserve. He told me he wanted to follow my example and put in the work to get his life order. He told me that he loves and genuinely cares about my family. He told me he wants to make me smile and laugh, to feel appreciated, and that my feelings matter. He told me that he has never met anyone like me, that he loves me.

This is some pretty big shit. Especially from him. And especially after everything that has happened between us.

I can't help it. I feel the same way. I love him so much and I never stopped loving him. He can be a bonafide azzhole at times, but there's still another side of him that is so sweet and loving and - dare I say it - all of the things I've been wanting, besides the surface characteristics. He ain't no Ph.D. Never been to college. Ain't pulling down six figs. He's rough around the edges. But he's been my source of reason. He's been the smile on my face after a long day.

Y'know, this is a calculated risk I'm taking by entertaining the thoughts of surrendering to my feelings and giving this relationship a chance.

I love him. I do know that. He hasn't made the best choices in the past, but tomorrow starts from the decisions we make today. He's my leaf growing into a branch.

Friday, July 27, 2007

don't wanna jinx myself...

...but let's just say your girl is thinking bout some big things on the horizon. REAL big, life-changing-type things. Not sure what will happen from here, still have no idea how to work this, but I spoke directly from my heart and there was a huge breakthrough. Details later, I promise.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Pimp C for President!

Yo.... as country as this man is, he ain't telling nothing but the truth, especially about how folks is gonna talk about selling drugs on wax, they gonna have to tell the whole story. The positives and the negatives. How Southern rap is destined to go the way of the 8-track because for all the booty-shaking, there ain't one lick of social commentary. How kids soak up this stuff like sponges and ain't got nothing going on in their heads. Change starts from within. Now mind you, this is Pimp C of UGK we're talking about -- he's country as hell, he says some crazy outlandish stuff -- but he talking some real talk and don't mince no words. And the Pimp C for president was just a joke. Honestly.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

really feeling this song

Chrisette Michelle - "If I Had My Way"

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

it's about time

My parents are leaving bright and early tomorrow morning. As nice as their first visit to Neverneverland has been, I'm ready for them to go home. Looks like I was worried much about basically nothing. My mom did make some not-nice comments about my cluttered, unorganized mess of a room, but she also helped me clean and organize. My room looks better than it ever has before. So now I believe it is possible for me to remain here in peace. Thank God, because I absolutely hate moving.

They came. They cooked dinner. They stocked my fridge. They did little handiwork around the house. They cleaned. They accompanied me out to dinner and to various museums in the area. They purchased a brand-new radio for my car. Let's say that they should come to visit alot more often!

But I'm ready for them to go. Mom has started to nag again. I can't catch a decent nap to save my life. Not to mention the numerous requests to go places once I am off of work and in desperate need of a nap, lol. I appreciate their help immensely, but let's just say it is time.

Monday, July 23, 2007

maybe i'll regret this later...

I signed my name on the dotted line of the "Save-A-Negro" fund. At the time, I felt in my heart this was something I wanted to do. And we're rocking with that motivation for the moment. Right now I ask myself what I received for what I've given... and it's actually alot. Though not in the same currency. More about this later....

Sunday, July 22, 2007

moving to canada... or europe

I saw Michael Moore's "Sicko" yesterday. I am completely sickened and disgusted by America's so-called healthcare system. I knew this industry was getting over on folks, but damn.... It was really eye-opening just how far America is behind the curve with actually taking care of its citizens. For anyone reading, this is a must-see film.

This got me to thinking.... What would it be like to live abroad? The only time I've been out of the country was a few hours' worth of shopping over in Windsor and my summer vacation to the Dominican Republic a few years ago. Besides the language barriers, other countries in the Western world actually appear to look out for the physical and mental well-being of its citizens, and they seem relatively family-friendly (or at least more family-friendly than the U.S.).

Folks ain't over there ballin' out of control (and who is here? -- besides our very wealthy), but they appear to be living quite comfortable lives with FREE quality healthcare, low-cost daycare, more vacation time, etc. 5 weeks of paid vacation time per year? Unlimited sick days? Government-sponsored day care that amounts to $1US per day? Government-sponosred workers to come in and help cook and clean around the house? Are you for serious?

I'm not going to be one to make a major life decision based off of a movie. That would be dumb. But let me tell you that this has piqued my curiosity. Let's break this down: I'm 26 years old. Single and childless. Less than 2 years away from finishing my doctorate. Relatively debt-free (or certainly will be really soon). Why NOT go live/study abroad for awhile? This might sound crazy, I'm bout to do some research and start a "Living Abroad" fund.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

just got paid

Wooohooo!!!! The first session of the summer teaching program is officially over today, which means, PAYDAY! I damn near passed out in happiness when I saw that paycheck. I now have enough money to completely pay off one of my credit cards. All of this for 12 hours of actual teaching per week. *doing the cabbage patch* Although it was a lot of work on the front-end, the second half will go a lot smoother. I have new students, will be teaching the same material all over again. This puts me right on track for my "Financial Freedom" plan. I WILL be free from credit card debt by this time next year. I WILL have 6 months worth of savings in the bank accruing interest. I WILL start stacking away chips for my retirement plan... All before I start working my "real job."

Wednesday, July 18, 2007


He's probably still not good for me. He still has a bunch of issues that I can't do nothing for him. He's still around. Sorta, kinda, but at a much greater distance than ever before.

He crossed my mind earlier today, how time heals the wounds of not hearing from him on the regular anymore. Coincidentally, he sends me an email tonight.... and he still gives me butterflies in the pit of my stomach.

And that damn song (Nothing Even Matters) just randomly came up on my playlist again.


Allegedly, the best cities for single women. See the orange dots? Full of women. See the blue dots? More single men than women. See Detroit? Now ya'll feel my pain...

under new management

I'm about to start doing things that make me happy, instead of doing things that make others happy at the expense of self. Having said that, there are about to be lots of major renovations going on in my life.

I'm feeling the itch to move out again. I feel like I don't have enough space, both physically and psychologically. I'm seriously too old to be living in the kids' room. And I want a complete overhaul of my surroundings. Mind you, this might put a serious dent in my pocketbook for the next year. AND it's probably completely unpractical since I plan to spend my final year of this program outside of Neverneverland. Meaning I will be elsewhere (probably back home, living with my sister, or I'll get my own crib) by May 2008.

Should I stay or should I go?

Sunday, July 15, 2007


How do you let go of the "I can do it myself" attitude when it becomes increasingly apparent that you cannot? Right now I am overwhelmed by every little thing. I started cleaning, only to feel suffocated by stuff and clutter. I started working, only to feel like I don't even know where to start that will help me finish on time. I feel lost. And maybe I would ask for help, only I'm embarrassed that things have gotten to this point. I just feel like I cannot do this by myself. "This" meaning effectively manage my life.

four days left

My parents are arriving in Neverneverland on Thursday. Previously, I had felt somewhat resentful over the fact that they moved me in and didn't see fit to visit -- not once -- for over 3 years. Now that they're coming is a different story. My parents are probably like anyone else's parents in being slightly... um, judgmental. I'm having some anxiety about having them all up and through my personal space, making comments about what I do/do not do (cook or clean to their liking), how I spend my time, seeing how I live from day to day, as well as how crazy I've gotten over the past two years. I don't sleep normal people hours anymore. I'm constantly up in the middle of the night. I'm apt to become overwhelmed and dissolve into a crying fit. I'm irritable. And I desperately crave my space when I feel like that. And part of me feels like I'm too old to be going through this.

Thursday, July 12, 2007

so sickened....

By this headline story:
Seriously, I just read it and I'm nauseous. I know what it feels like to be sexually violated -- and I can only imagine what this poor woman and her son must be going through. How in the world do you pick up the pieces and live out a normal life after this happens? I guess this hits way close to home because I still feel like I'm picking up the pieces of what happened to me almost 5 years ago. WTF is going on with our people? And I seriously hope these bastards rot in ten thousand hells for this. It just makes no fucking sense whatsoever.

not having a good day

As I got ready for my commute to campus this morning, I had to really fight back the tears. I'm not being overdramatic, but sometimes I really wonder about the state of my mental health. I've been having problems like these for years, which makes me wonder if my life will ever be normal again. I have one more class to teach before I can be outta this bitch at 2:30 p.m. *sigh* I'm counting down the minutes, but I'm gonna get through this...

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

i got the hookup....

Holla if you hear me! Ya'll remember that godawful song? Anyway, I ran into Ash Da Thrilla (inside joke) in the department lobby, and she invited me to come along with her to the Musiq/Raheem Devaughn concert in the D. Apparently, she went to the Essence Music Festival, hit it off with some dude who was going to the concert and offered to buy her tickets. She took him up on his offer and he sent two of them. So now I'm coming along for dinner, drinks, fun with some of dude's homeboys, and the summer music festival. Can't wait till Friday!

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

cry for help

I can always tell when something isn't right in my life cuz stuff just goes out of whack and good intentions fly right out of the window.

I cannot stop eating. I know it's psychological and not physiological. I just can't seem to stop it. God, how I wish I had a normal relationship with food. Right now I'm not hungry, but Cool Whip tastes like the best thing in the world.

I'm doing my 'profiling' thing again. I probably shopped way too much in Chicago in an effort to mask the 'unfly'-ness I feel most of the time. My latest thing has been these large, oversized retro sunglasses. They are fly fa sho. I'm just internally feeling very unfly.

I have a class to teach tomorrow. And my own work to do. I'm so fucking tired out by having somewhere to be every damn day. I'm supposed to be working right now, but I've been working on the motivation for the past 3 hours. All I really want is to sleep in and have no place to go tomorrow.

This is my cry for help. Let's hope I can get it together tomorrow.

outta my system

I've been working on 'moving on with my life,' so to speak, in the romantic arena. And I can't seem to shake this guy... While in Chicago, I kept thinking about how much I wanted him to call so that I could mention where I was (he grew up in Chicago). I must have conjured this up cuz he did call. We talked for awhile and despite everything that has gone down, he has this uncanny ability to make me smile and laugh.

This guy has done some pretty shitty things, mostly out of selfishness, during our (uncommitted) relationship. He definitely has azzhole potential, mostly out of disregard for my feelings... but I still love him very much. So how can I acknowledge this and still be stuck? He has been the closest person in my life for the past few years. Moreso than my family or even anyone else here in Neverneverland. My therapist also brought to my attention that my relationship with him mirrors the complex relationship with my father, which I'm sure only exacerbates why I can't seem to shake him. *sigh*

Our relationship was partly f@#$# up because there was lots of gray area. We weren't committed, but we weren't not together. It felt like a huge betrayal that he involved himself with other women, and I did no such thing. Why the commitment phobia? On my part, I didn't know what to do with him. When I think about being in love, being with someone, and building a future, I didn't conjure up dreams of someone human. I mean, someone with flaws and faults and shortcomings and major differences from myself.... He has a high school diploma to match my Ph.D. (God willing, this will happen!). He isn't settled or financially secure. He has issues stemming from his father being in jail during his childhood. And the list goes on.... Now with my issues and his issues, I couldn't figure out how this was gonna work. So I kept him at arm's length.

I still love him. There are a ton of things I admire about him: his willingness to start a new life in FL, his pride in having a job and hard work rather than making 'quick money,' his resourcefulness, his love for family, and the list goes on... I have lots of good memories of us. I have some not-so-good memories. A long time ago, he asked if I would marry him once he 'got himself together.' As much as I feel like somewhere deep down inside the answer is still yes (I still have a hard time admitting this), I'm thoroughly scared about committing to uncertainty. Uncertainty if love is truly enough. And uncertainty that he loves the same way I do.

[And this must be some weird twist of fate, but I'm listening to Launchcast radio and what song comes on? The duet with Lauryn Hill & D'Angelo "Nothing Even Matters." This used to be his 'song', his ringtone before he f@#$#@ up this last time.]

wake up call

There was a post on another board that I frequent asking "What have you accomplished so far this year" now that it's almost halfway over? And you know what? I don't know. I finished my third year of this Ph.D. program. I've started the process of putting my finances together. I opened a high-yield savings account which is a BIG step in this process. I negotiated lower interest rate on my credit cards. Hopefully I can put one of those bills to bed before the summer is out. I presented my first "talk" at a conference. I'm named as first author on a chapter that's being published in a book. OK, I see tons of professional stuff, but what about me personally? What have I accomplished? Hell if I know.... And this bothers me.

Monday, July 9, 2007

feeling good, feeling great

Man, I just got back from Chicago late last night. I had a blast. I brought C.C. along for the ride. I was amazed at all of the culture and good eating and shopping and fun stuff to do in Chi-town. Seriously, it was worth going for the Cheesecake Factory alone. For some odd reason, there is no CF here. Which sucks because the food makes me really happy. I seriously wish we had been there longer than an one-night stay because just as I was getting settled in and getting in the groove of relaxing, it was time to go. Not to mention the fabulous shopping and sales on Michigan Ave. I know it's only July, but I got myself a birthday outfit. Best believe this girl will be super duper fly when the time rolls around in October! This trip seriously makes me wonder why I don't just get up and drive over to Chicago more often. It's definitely live in a way that the D is not. Mark my words -- I'm going back before the summer is out.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

bursting my bubble

I've been having dreams of redecorating my bedroom as a summer project. As if it's not bad enough that I live in the kids' room (my roommate, whose name is on the mortgage round this piece, has the pimped out room/bedroom/walk-in closet combo), I'm becoming more and more sickened with the clutter that lives in my room with me.

It's not that I'm just junky because I wanna be. I actually do not have room to store away my stuff, so it clutters every known surface in my room. I voiced my opinion about selling all my bedroom furniture and buying new stuff that I really like from Ikea to my mom. Of course she has to come in with practical concerns: How much longer will I be living here? Won't I be buying new furniture just to sell in a year or two? OK, so it's not very practical, but it will buy me some happiness with my surroundings. I'm sick and tired of just dealing with things in the hopes that it will get better later (the fucking theme of my life).

Since I refuse to move out on the grounds of going into debt to live solo... this is the compromise. I just cannot live in a space that does not feel like mine anymore. This seems like an easy decision -- just do what I want -- but since she's voiced objections I'm starting to feel ambivalent. *sigh* I fucking hate this. I should just do what I want, right?

i'm so tired....

I'm really not used to this much daily activity. I've been waking at 8 every morning to go in and teach Intro to Psychology to high school students. While I actually like working with the high school students (they are sooooo much more pleasant and wide-eyed and inquisitive than undergrads, go figure), I'm just ready to go back to my everyday routine of doing much of nothing. Or at least this is my summertime routine. Not to mention that I have a ton of work to get back to my advisor by next week. Instead, I've been spending a lot of time with this class (and preparing for the next class!). I'm not too upset because I'm getting paid rather lucratively for teaching for this program and right now it's actually more exciting than running stats and writing up a manuscript for publication... I just hate having somewhere to be every day for hours at a time. Almost reminds me of a 9-to-5. Did I mention that I hate working and need to devise a hustle plan to retire early (yes, even before I start working for real, for real....)? This shit is for the birds. TGTF [Thank God Tomorrow's Friday!]

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

i may or may not.... (part deux) slightly bitter. A friend of mine circulated this photo commemoration of an extremely elaborate wedding proposal. Homeboy rented out a suite at an luxury hotel in ATL, invited friends and family (who were dressed to the nines), spread rose petals everywhere and everything... Of course, folks start chiming in on how beautiful it was and how it caused them to spill tears. My reaction? I was like, Who does this? These were not like digicam shots. I mean there was a professional photographer on call to catch the entire moment on film. They looked like very extravagant wedding pics set to cheesy "you complete me" music. I mean, for a proposal? I suppose some folks are into stuff like this. There were no tears over here. No comments about "maybe someone will love me this much someday." I just thought it was completely overdone and over-the-top. Does this make me bitter or just a hater?

i may or may not.... a boy. *hee hee* in my best schoolgirl imitation. This may be really premature, but I met this guy at a reception on Friday. We're both teaching for the same summer program. He's actually the instructor for the class I wanted to teach (Intro to Mass Media), but whatever... He's soooo incredibly easy to talk to. Matter fact, I don't think I've interacted with a guy that has been so easy to talk to in some years. We ran into each other in the lobby following our afternoon classes and talked in the hall for awhile, then he walked me over to my department building (after offering to). I may or may not have a tiny little crush. Oh, and most interesting part, he's a strawberry blonde, blue-eyed white boy.

after the love is gone....

I didn't write this.... but best believe I was FEELING it:
Any relationship has it's troubles. Sometimes, they are pretty manageable. Sometimes they are major, and painful. The process is usually similar... a man and woman meet... chemistry... fall in love... And when a woman gives her heart, and really, really feels love for a man, it's really something to see. The love of a woman can be so powerful, and beautiful. The kind of love where she counts down the minutes until he gets home. The kind of love where she would bring home a huge Christmas tree and put it up, even while 6 months pregnant, just so she could surprise him. The kind of love where she will drive an hour out of her way, just to see him for five minutes, and kiss him.

It's so powerful. But as we all know, often times, this passion begins to change, or fade. It is rarely because of the passage of time, as most women don't just enjoy the novelty of fresh love at first, but also the long-lasting love many dream of, a man they can count on, a man they are safe with. But often, it fades because of damage.

Hurtful words. Hurtful actions. Things that cause mistrust or suspicion. And especially, things that cause her to lose respect and admiration for him. This is the toughest blow, because women are so resilient to pain, and willing to forgive, out of that deep love they have devoted to the man. They will even give a man the benefit of the doubt when it comes to mistrust, hoping against hope that his heart still belongs to her, and that he is faithful when he insists that he is.

And then it happens.

The feeling is lost. Usually, it comes like a revelation. Either from an event, or from just waking up one day and realizing-

The feeling is GONE.

The love is gone, it's gone... lost...

Men often think they can do as they will. They see that the woman loves him. They see her deep forgiveness and desire for him. They see how she offers herself, and takes whatever bit of him she can get. Then they abuse it. They push it too far. They don't feed her fire, or give her enough. They neglect her. They trample her at will, knowing she will always love him, knowing her love is deep and important... yet not realizing it can indeed be broken, it can be killed, and not realizing how very close they might be to this moment... And most of all, not realizing that if this moment occurs... he will never, never again, recapture her heart. A dream can't be recaptured... Once she is finally... sadly awake.

Tuesday, July 3, 2007


Minus 4.2 pounds this week. That's what I'm talking about!

Monday, July 2, 2007

seven whole days

Tomorrow makes Day Seven of Weight Watchers (WW). The first time I joined was about... oh.... five years ago. I was wildly successful while I was on it (with regular gym activity, I lost 30 pounds over a semester). Given the fact that a friend and my mom have joined in the past couple of months, I decided to hop on the bandwagon for my own good. Didn't want to be left behind and I have a closet full of clothes that I might like to wear again. I've been doing pretty well. Haven't exercised a lick (unless you count those laps I did in the pool yesterday), but I've been sticking as close to the program as possible. I think I done good. We'll see what is what tomorrow afternoon.

Sunday, July 1, 2007

the come-up

It's 5:05 AM and I still haven't gone to sleep for the night. I feel semi-better. I took my dressed-up ass down for a nap then headed out to grab something to eat for dinner. With all of the tea and crumpets that I'd eaten before, all I wanted was some good ol' fashioned meat! Fried chicken was calling my name. I pulled through the drive-thru at KFC and flirted with the rather cute young man at the counter, who told me that if I had only asked, he would have given me my meal for free -- after he's taken my hard earned $4.96, mind you! Hell, next time speak up. Then I head to Blockbuster for an evening of fine DVD-viewing.... and dude tried to holla in the parking lot. He was lame ("You look sooooo familiar"), but hell, at least I receive some confirmation I'm not invisible, as I appear every other day of the week around these parts. Update on the personal ad situation: Photos and other identifying information have been exchanged and SLG (Sexy Lawyer Guy) finally emailed me back after I had mentally resigned him to "he doesn't think I'm cute" category.... Oooooh, chile, this man could definitely get it all day long, every which way till next Sunday. Yes, he is that fine.