outta my system

I've been working on 'moving on with my life,' so to speak, in the romantic arena. And I can't seem to shake this guy... While in Chicago, I kept thinking about how much I wanted him to call so that I could mention where I was (he grew up in Chicago). I must have conjured this up cuz he did call. We talked for awhile and despite everything that has gone down, he has this uncanny ability to make me smile and laugh.

This guy has done some pretty shitty things, mostly out of selfishness, during our (uncommitted) relationship. He definitely has azzhole potential, mostly out of disregard for my feelings... but I still love him very much. So how can I acknowledge this and still be stuck? He has been the closest person in my life for the past few years. Moreso than my family or even anyone else here in Neverneverland. My therapist also brought to my attention that my relationship with him mirrors the complex relationship with my father, which I'm sure only exacerbates why I can't seem to shake him. *sigh*

Our relationship was partly f@#$# up because there was lots of gray area. We weren't committed, but we weren't not together. It felt like a huge betrayal that he involved himself with other women, and I did no such thing. Why the commitment phobia? On my part, I didn't know what to do with him. When I think about being in love, being with someone, and building a future, I didn't conjure up dreams of someone human. I mean, someone with flaws and faults and shortcomings and major differences from myself.... He has a high school diploma to match my Ph.D. (God willing, this will happen!). He isn't settled or financially secure. He has issues stemming from his father being in jail during his childhood. And the list goes on.... Now with my issues and his issues, I couldn't figure out how this was gonna work. So I kept him at arm's length.

I still love him. There are a ton of things I admire about him: his willingness to start a new life in FL, his pride in having a job and hard work rather than making 'quick money,' his resourcefulness, his love for family, and the list goes on... I have lots of good memories of us. I have some not-so-good memories. A long time ago, he asked if I would marry him once he 'got himself together.' As much as I feel like somewhere deep down inside the answer is still yes (I still have a hard time admitting this), I'm thoroughly scared about committing to uncertainty. Uncertainty if love is truly enough. And uncertainty that he loves the same way I do.

[And this must be some weird twist of fate, but I'm listening to Launchcast radio and what song comes on? The duet with Lauryn Hill & D'Angelo "Nothing Even Matters." This used to be his 'song', his ringtone before he f@#$#@ up this last time.]