empty empty empty

Just came back from this semi-bourgie English afternoon tea thingie at the Ritz-Carlton in honor of a friend's wedding in August. It was a cute excuse to get dressed up, sip on some champagne & premium tea blends, eat scones, and catch up on girl talk. Surprisingly, I actually had a great time (minus the $40 I spent), but there were times when I definitely felt left out. Each of the 4 girls at the table was chatting about their bfs/fiances and I had nothing to contribute except my lame Match.com experience with Mr. Weirdo. *sigh* When they were telling stories about "couple activities" with their respective men, all I could do was sit back and listen. So this put me in a bit of an unavoidable funk. Right at this moment, I'm impeccably dressed (hair, makeup done, fly outfit), incredibly lonely, starved for affection, and now home alone on Saturday afternoon which will inevitably roll into a solo Saturday night, while everyone else is spending QT with their SO. This just fucking sucks.

real talk

I'm bringing some issues to light that I don't usually talk about, but I believe in the value of putting them on display to dissect and examine. Here's a confession: I've never really considered myself attractive. I have attractive moments -- where I feel like, damn, I really am beautiful -- but these moments are fleeting and never long-lived. I suppose this comes from some fucked up messages I received while growing up. On top of that, I feel extra unattractive because I'm overweight. And I have been overweight (according to those medical height-weight charts) for virtually my entire life. And so I've felt like an ugly duckling virtually my entire life... And it's only gotten worse over the past couple of years. I'm going to blame my 30 pound weight gain on grad school-related depression (and the apparent inability to take off those pounds).

I'm intimidated -- almost to the point of paralyzation -- to be judged according to my looks. I've attributed the fact that I haven't had a man since I've moved to Michigan to my massive weight gain. I suppose somewhere else deep down inside I feel like I don't deserve a man because I'm not attractive/thin/sexy enough. I know this, but what to do about it?

My personal ad illicited a response from a very sexy law student. I'm definitely interested... and forgot to put in my profile that I am a full-figured woman. I don't know this for a fact, but I fear rejection alone on the strength of not being 130 pounds. Sometimes I take some beautiful-gorgeous pictures and I can send those to see what his response may be BUT I'm afraid for that initial meeting. Will he be able to see through this fragile veneer of confidence to all of the insecurity and self-doubt underneath?

why must i....

....be so goddamnned indecisive? Now I'm having second thoughts about the personals ad. I exchanged photos/im's with this Indian guy earlier today. Unlike me, he's way too focused on his career as a genetic engineer to devote time to a full-blown relationship. For me, one just hasn't presented itself, but hell, I've got an itch that needs scratching -- and I don't meet any new men in my day-to-day. *sigh* Well, we were chatting and I became increasingly less enthused about this situation. Maybe this isn't the right guy or the stars aren't in alignment or something, but I'm not sure if I can get down with the carefully-crafted casual relationship.... It totally repels the hardcore romantic that dwells inside of me. Now if one happened to just present itself with an ultra-sexy dark chocolate man.... But this is what I've been waiting on for *sigh* over a year now. It ain't happening. So what am I to do?

just did something crazy

Well, only semi-crazy. After many days and days of contemplation about "what I want" I have decided that I am ready to break the dry spell. I am up for male companionship and a lil' bit of sex every now and then. Nothing serious. So I posted a personals ad saying about as much...

I was nervous about putting the ad up in the first place. I'm really not into the "hit it and quit it" thing. Or someone calling me up strictly for booty calls. But I'm not feeling this celibacy thing any longer either. This seems like a happy medium.

Geez, I hadn't realized it, but I haven't been with someone new in 2-1/2 years... It seems a little bit scary. And will only happen if there's some serious chemistry going on once we meet. I'm awaiting responses. Let's hope someone cool will respond.

fuck it

I had a mini-meltdown after I finished writing this post. I'm having such a strong negative reaction to going to DC that it's literally freaking me out. I am about 90% sure I'm not going and bout to check Northwest Airlines' cancellation policy. Conference be damned.

feeling blah...

I'm supposed to leave tomorrow for a conference in D.C. and I really don't feel like going. What I'm feeling really has nothing to do with the conference at all. I've prepared an excellent presentation with one of my friends/classmates that I believe will be well-received by the audience.

I just feel... ugh... like yuck. It's my special "woman's time of the month" and my hormones are all over the place. My skin has been breaking out. I feel fat. I feel unattractive. A hot mess, really. I don't feel like going out on the town with the plethora of really attractive women in my department and pretend like I'm having fun. I don't feel like making small talk with folks I graduated with from FAMU who will be in attendance. I just don't feel like anything but curling up in a little ball and sleeping.

Not sure if this is hormones or depression or some odd combination of both, but I'm really not feeling it.

this jackass....

I'm up early working on my conference presentation when a text message comes in. I'm perplexed because no one usually texts me this early. And lo and behold -- who is it? -- Mr. Weirdo, who allegedly was done with my on Saturday.

This jackass send the world's longest text (and I quote): "Wow khia i can see your 3 yrs here are quite the detroit female no longer a floridian i hope u find what your trying 2 find (u stageing the can i call u back tomorrow) worked out wonderful 4 me my last 2 picks were u and someone else so thanks 4 making the choice easy i don't think u would have made a good woman 4 me physically anyway but thank u anyway good luck."

No fucking punctuation anywhere. And furthermore, what the fuck?!?! I thought you was done on Saturday... and now on Tuesday you waste your time sending me yet another passive-aggressive, hostile, and immature text. Lawd, grow up and act your age! And this is from a 34 year old man.

thank God for small favors

I couldn't bring myself to call Mr. Weirdo back last night. And I didn't call him today either because I was out and about having fun around town. Well, about 11:15 p.m. I get a text message. This asshole says: "Thanks 4 the call back hope u find what your looking 4." No punctuation whatsoever. I digress... I know I was bullshittin' but there could have been any number of reasons why I hadn't called back, including hospitalization, and this dude doesn't try to call to figure out why, just sends me this passive-aggressive text message. I guess it is a small favor because now I don't have to try to find a *nice* way to say "Fuck you. Goodbye."

me and my boy friend

I haven't gone over a man's house in the middle of the night in years. Until last night. And it's not what you might think. After several invitations from my sexy sexually ambiguous Nigerian friend, I decided to take him up on his offer to hang out. There were some other guys I knew from school hanging out as well, but they soon left, and we hung out solo.

We talked, laughed, played Scrabble, and some card game that I cannot remember the name of now. It was cool. He's a cool guy. I really think he's just one of those gay dudes that likes hanging out with women. And for some reason, he likes hanging out with me. I've said to myself (and out loud a couple of times) that what I miss more than all the sex I haven't been having is male companionship. Being around testosterone. Well, this may be a little premature, but it looks like I'm on the way to the companionship part.

Damn. Why'd he have to be gay? And double damn, why is he sexy? And triple damn, why does he resemble one of the former loves of my life?

Word of caution: I may be PMSing or something, but if I don't get some soon, I just might explode. This isht is not natural. Damn the former love for up and getting married. The sex between me and him was something serious. The best ever.

fantasy man meets reality

I had a conversation with C.C. last night detailing how she hated Tyler Perry's last cinematic masterpiece "Daddy's Little Girls." (Please note that this was sarcasm). She was pissed off from everything that the lead actor wasn't attractive (which I vehemently disagree... Idris Elba is sexy!) to wanting to know why Gabrielle Union's character "settled" for this apparently "subpar" man (because he worked as a mechanic and had 3 kids from a "crazy" woman and had been to jail before on some bogus charges).

The movie ain't winning no Emmy's, but I enjoyed watching it, and could get with the premise. The point I took away from it, which seems to be a common theme of ALL Tyler Perry movies, was for Black women not to discount the brothas that are right in front of them cuz they ain't wearing Brooks Brothers suits. Same thing we hear in Ebony and Essence magazines every month, but I digress.... It is hard out there in the streets for Black women to find mates. I mean, let's just look at some statistics and/or personal experiences of your girlfriends. At what point do we reconcile the situation we're dealing with with our perfect fantasy relationship? And is this settling or just being realistic?

C.C. pointed out one of her pet peeves of not speaking the king's English (or Black men, rather, because she would date someone of another ethnicity that didn't speak proper English). And then equated being college degreed with intelligence. "I can't be with a man that I can't have an intelligent conversation with," she said. "What would happen if I brought him to meet with my colleagues at work?" I was trying to say this in a tactful way, but because of various social factors, there are a lot of smart Black men who do not have degrees and can carry on intelligent conversations, even with your co-workers! I really wanted to ask outloud, as sort of a reality check, "Are we feeling ourselves a bit too much?" Then she admitted to being pissed off with the messages to "take a brotha as he is" when she has put so much work into herself professionally. On some level, she expects that a Ph.D. buys her the perfect man who lays it down in bed, makes $90K/year, and takes her on exotic vacations because she will have a Ph.D. Is this feeling ourselves too much?

We both have our personal preferences, as she kept stating, and this is one of hers. However, could some of these personal preferences be keeping us lonely and single? At what point do we get realistic with where we are now... and let go of the sense of entitlement and Barbie fairy-tale dreams?

knowing it all?

Is it really possible in life for someone to really know "all of the right things" in a relationship? I ask because of a recent conversation between my roommate and another classmate. So my roommate is in like a 6-year relationship... And so is the other classmate who is currently engaged. They were talking about couples marrying and getting divorced because they "shouldn't" have been with the person and "should have" been able to tell that it wasn't going to work out. Talking as if divorce would never happen to them and they knew everything that was necessary to make a marriage work and be happy 24/7. While I believe that some folks get involved in all kinds of relationship drama/foolishness that is probably unhealthy, am I really to believe that there is some "objective" right way to proceed in relationships, or that *you* allegedly have everything figured out?

Hell naw! Maybe I'm a bit sensitive, but I'm of the opinion that these things are unpredictable. As human beings we deal the best way we can at the time and we learn better ways to deal next time, should the opportunity present itself again. Right? Any number of events may occur after the beginning of a relationship that could change the people in said relationship and precipitate an ending. People grow and change and if you're not moving in the same direction or cannot adapt to the change, well, relationships end. There is no such thing as "doing" relationships right. Only what is right for *you* at the time.

Sometimes I think I am in the wrong field. It is ironic the amount of judgmental attitudes that prevail among folks in psychology. Or should I say lack of empathy? I fucking HATE folks who swear they have every damn thing in life figured out. And the Neverneverland in which I live is full of these negative, hypocritical, judgmental-ass people!

um, well, uh....

There's another guy who I've emailed a time or two on Match. He called yesterday while I was at a birthday dinner with friends. He called the first time at 8:37 p.m., again at 9:07 p.m., left a message, and sent a text at 10:02 p.m. Is it just me or is this weird?

I decide to go ahead and call him back. I do so after I've gotten back home around 11:30 p.m. and normally I would not call anyone for a first convo this late, but I wanted to go ahead and either confirm or dismiss my craziness fears. The convo was subpar... He seems like more a homebody than I'm used to dating. Generally, I ain't all over town or anything like that, but I do like getting dressed, getting out, being in the mix, and socializing.

He asked me some hard questions. Something along the lines of "What would I do to keep a man happy?" He couldn't see, but I had on my blank face. I guess I don't see the end-all and be-all of a relationship as "keeping a man happy." I ain't that kinda girl. Not that I wouldn't be nice and sweet and generous -- because I am -- but, well, it sounded to me like he was looking for a woman to cater to him. Have his dinner ready at 5 p.m., keep the house spotless, you know, that Suzy Homemaker mess. And I ain't wit it. I'm not big on cooking or cleaning. I can delegate -- bringing in dinner with me on the way home and fully intend on having someone come in and do some light weekly housecleaning for me. Suzy Homemaker I am not.

My response was something like I could bring the little things that I do for anyone I would be in a relationship. Intangible things like asking about your day, bringing good conversation, being generous with time and affection. But I quickly said that I would hope that whoever I would end up with will *hopefully* do these things for me as well.

Then he asked me: "What about you would make a man run for the hills?" Uh, yeah, for real. What in the hell kind of question is this? I hate cutting stuff off before it even begins, but I'm already turned off. I could be wrong, but I think in a convo or two, I will be reaching for a *nice* way to tell dude that I'm not interested.

*blank face*

Navy Guy facebooks me. He send me a message talking bout some: "What's up? Where you been? I texted you and haven't heard from you since."

I write him back saying that I texted him last, heard no response, and just assumed he was blowing me off.

He responds back that he wasn't blowing me off and how can we fix what's broken? Yes, these were his exact words.

And you know what.... I'm not sure how to respond.

computer love

My friends hipped me to a GREAT dating strategy.... To bypass placing all of my hopes of ever getting married and having kids on Michigan men, every time I'm out of town, I browse the city I'm visiting on my internet dating sites. Send some winks, send some emails, and arrange a date while I'm in city in question. After all, love (or at least someone to talk to) may only be a car, plane, or train ride away. I'm leaving for DC next week. And possibly Chicago next month. I'm going to try it out.

Huh? What?

So I ended up in the D instead... We rounded up a group of about 15 and headed out to the club. My ever-frugal roommate finagled our way into the place for a group rate of $30. Sometimes, you gotta love her!

Now all the girls who went were cute (which was why I canceled my outing with the fine ass Nigerian man last night -- I didn't want to share), and you would think that a mass of 13 above average-looking women would garner some attention, right? Well, here's what happens every single time we go out to the D... Men look, never approach, stand up on the wall with their glasses of 'yac, and watch the women dance by themselves. Huh? I mean, nobody got no kind of play!

My roommate hollered at the DJ about why he was playing wack music and wasn't facillitating some bump and grind on the dance floor. You wanna know what he said? "You must not be from around here. Niggas in the D just like to post up and buy drinks and show off how much money they got." Huh? So ya'll ain't interested in meeting and dancing with fly women? Ok.....

Although I'm lying... The cocktail waitress in the Applebottom jeans was getting lots of play. What did Yung Joc say (and here I go quoting rappers again): "Smack the waitress on the booty, tell her get another round." Yep, it was just like that. *SMH*

Further confirmation that I should have never moved to this socially-wretched place....

freak 'em down

Oooooh lawd, I was on some bold isht tonight.... I'm just getting in from the club. When I arrived, my girls had already met two rather sexyfine Black men, and I immediately set my sights on the tallest, finest, chocolatey one. We chatted it up... I freaked him down real good on the dance floor a couple of times (What can I say -- I was on them Long Island iced teas. I looked him dead in the eye and mouthed along to the song: "I can look in your eyes and tell you wanna fuuuuuck..." before approaching him and proceeding to freak him down).... and got his number so that we could hang out again. Only here's the thing -- and Lord forgive me for being stereotypical -- but I really couldn't tell if he and his boy were straight or not. Hmmm...... Now I have no qualms about freaking down some fine ass gay man, if he is indeed gay. Tonight was all about me and getting my necessary testosterone fix. And we're hanging out again tomorrow. Freakem dress, here I come.

it has become abundantly clear....

...why Mr. Enlightenment and I never got together all those years ago. Not only do we spend more time arguing than anything else, but I feel like he talks AT me. I get enough of that from my Daddy. Not in my friendships.

Have you ever gotten the impression that a guy doesn't really respect women as an equals? I'm starting to feel like this is the case with him.... and I don't think he even is aware of it. I pick up that vibe from the way he talks to me sometimes. Or the way he never wants to concede to my point of view as if his way is the "right" way. Either that or dude is just plain out stubborn.

I'm going to have to have a talk with him because whatever this is is not an enjoyable way to spend an evening. *sigh*

jj, girl, you're right.... They show them true colors real quick.

am i wrong for this?

I really want to start some shit with Mr. Enlightenment. At 2:30 in the morning I was still wound up from the argument we had last night, so I created a thread on an online forum that I belong to. I got some really good feedback from the ladies on the forum and I seriously want to share these "food for thought" with him. Just for discussion's sake, especially since he always trying to school me. Not that this is anything like my personality at all, but I can already hear the accusations of being the angry combative Black woman. I just can't win with this one, can I?

mr. enlightenment

There's this guy... We dated briefly when I was nineteen, but I hadn't moved on from the ex-boyfriend, and things gradually fizzled away... He writes poetry. Years ago, he even wrote a few inspired by yours truly. We got back in touch via Myspace. Anyway, he's still doing the poetry thing and occassionally reads me a few. Whatever. We're cool with each other.

What I HATE about him is how we talks to me like he's bout to school me on some shit.... I tell him about my new research project on Black masculinity in hip-hop music lyrics and he goes off on this tangent like he's educating me (with some bullshit theory, by the way, that the "bitch" and "ho" word have everything to do with the Black man's strength and resiliency). I fell for the bait and ended up arguing with him for an hour about "gold digger-ism" and the real reason why men won't give up "bitch" and "ho" (which, in my opinion, has everything to do with power).

Also maybe because I'm an academic, I have little tolerance for folks making blanket statements without research to back it up. He tried to tell me that "gold digger-ism" is the cause of divorce/the fall of marriage in America. And I simply don't believe that. Nor does research support it. On the real, folks been marrying for status since the beginning of time, so playing devil's advocate, why is this so evil all of a sudden? What is inherently wrong with wanting a man who matches my own work? And why are dudes so damn upset about materialism when they are just as damn materialistic? I mean, women didn't just morph into golddigging bitches overnight in the '90s for no damn reason at all.

He really gets under my skin sometimes. I mean, we're both the same damn age, I got you degree for degree, and you're always trying to school me -- on my turf, on what I study -- without any data to support your off-base conclusions. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit.

my latest & greatest inspiration

A recent episode of Oprah and some conversations with a colleague have lit a fire underneath me. I've come to a few conclusions about my vision for the future:

1. I want to be able to love what I do for a living. Currently, it's looking like teaching is not my thing. But writing and research better fit the bill.
2. I want to be able to work because I want to -- not because I have to. This means that when I have a "real job" I want to stack enough money aside somewhere to make my money work for me, so that eventually, I can work part-time, live off of the residual interest, and spend the rest of my time pursuing my passions.

Now supposedly having a Ph.D. will offer flexibility in terms of being able to "create a career." I have a few goals: Create some kind of program that has to do with kids, media, literacy, and mentorship. Do some writing that bridges academia and the general public. Be featured in Essence magazine. Publish a non-fiction book.

I have some ideas. I'm working on bringing them to fruition. I'm taking my first dare: Send an email/letter to someone who has my "dream job" to ask how they got where they are now by Friday.

still a player?

"You need to have 3 types of men: a marriage material man, sex buddy, and guy who calls that makes you feel beautiful..." -- rumored to have been said by Nia Long

Now if I can only find the 3-for-1 special.....

to all my women friends

My cousin forwarded it to me. I like this one, especially the part that I bolded:

To U My Beautiful Friend,

Life seems better when the man of your dreams-or even the man of the moment-comes along, but HE does NOT define YOU. Your beauty goes pass a male ego or some cheap gift he may buy. You are an untapped treasure-glowing with intelligence, sensuality, and sexuality. We are women of GOD and any man that is lucky enough to have met us are blessed and has found a good thing-even if the bastard doesn't know it yet. So, to you my beautiful friend, I say: laugh, smile, strut and hold your head up a little more today than you did yesterday. You the sh*t girl.....

maybe i should go to rehab...

After everything we've been through (or rather, that he's put me through), I feel like I should want to hate him, curse him out to high hell and back, then tell him to never dial my number again -- but for some reason, I just can't. For as raggedy as his azz is, there is a part of me that still loves him, laughs at his jokes, and wants him to get it together.... with me. And no matter how long it's been, talking with him always comforts a piece of my soul. It's some kind of stupid co-dependency.... or at least my therapist told me so. Still, knowing that, I just can't shake him....

sex & the city nights

"Later that day I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous." -Carrie Bradshaw

summer love

I have decided that I am ready to take on the challenge of having a real, committed relationship. Now to find a man.... In that spirit, I reactivated my Match.com profile.

There is an email waiting in my inbox right now. From whom? I won't know unless and until I subscribe. I've had a few men wink at me in the interim. And I winked at quite a few men: Black, White, and otherwise. Whoever is cute, seems to have something going for himself, and non-crazy.

Two guys seem promising so far. One is a divorced Black man living in Fort Wayne, IN. I looked it up -- it's about 2 hours away, or so says Mapquest. He is a really good-looking 36. Chocolate. Bald. I winked and he winked back at me, so the next step is to send him an email. Hmmm.....

The second is this 32-year-old artsy kinda White guy. Ever since seeing "Something New" I've been talking about dating a whiteboy, but I've never actually taken the plunge. This one's cute, so I'm open. I winked and he winked back too.

I'm still debating, but more than likely I will pay the fee and subscribe tomorrow. With a little luck, maybe this will be my summer for love, after all.

how come you don't call me?

After updating a friend on the state of my non-love life, she brought up the possibility that maybe something was going on with Navy Guy. Hence the "something that came up" and hence why I haven't heard from him in two weeks.

Last night I gave in to make sure that he was at least still alive... This Negro texts back over 24 hours later (and at 12:00 midnight) talking about how he has been "so busy" with work and was so "upset" that we didn't get to go out like we had planned.

In my mind, I'm thinking, let's cut the bullshit. I texted him back. Verbatim: "Are you serious? U were upset with me when u mysteriously had 'something' come up & then not contact me until now?"

He hedged. "Well, I was just disappointed," he texts back.

I texted back: "So what was the 'something' that came up? I wanted to make sure you were ok. I really thought this might have been something serious since I hadn't heard from you at all."

His response was no response. See what I'm talking bout?