I'm over and done with Chicago. For the last time. I took time out of my precious vacation to ride him halfway around town and help him fill out job applications. I asked my daddy if he would agree to give him some man-to-man advice on how to gain some stability in his life. Blah, blah, blah.... And what does this fool go and do? Goes out, gets drunk, and starts some shit that ends up with him getting arrested. Now this nigga is blowing up my phone asking me to help him out on some bogus shit that he never should have been involved in.
You know what finally got through to me? This endless cycle of drama is something I do not personally want to be involved in. I understand when life gets hard for folks, but you gonna go out and incite some more drama on top of an already impossible situation? Naw, buddy, this ain't no mistake. This is a lifestyle. And I want no part of it.
I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm pissed. And this shit is ending right here and right now. I'm out. He wasn't thinking about me nor his family nor his kid nor his upcoming job interview when he went out and did what he did. I'm even disconcerted that he had the gall to do what he did in the first place. [And what he did was catch a ride to Babymama's house, start some shit on her doorstep, refuse to leave the premises, and busted one of her windows in. And the boys in blue came right on over and picked his ass up and hauled him off to the Duval County Jail.] I don't have time for this shit. If this is the lifestyle he wants to lead, that is his choice. But he will do this without me.
Angry is not even the word. I am incensed. From Michael Vick to my pregnant and clueless dear friend to Chicago, I'm sick and fucking tired of folks just doing what the hell they wanna do without even considering the consequences, and then crying tears afterwards when shit ends up fucked up. Ya'll need to not only grow the hell up, but wake the hell up! No one is playing with ya'll azzes nor about to cut ya'll any slack for your stupidity. And that's my final word.
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4 comments:
I'm going to say this to you because I love you:
Stop trying to be Captain Save A Negro and get over your Middle Class Guilt.
It's not your responsibility to save the Hood be it your homegirl or your ex-boyfriend.
Volunteer your time and money to help out "the community" but you don't have to involve them in your personal life.
Find you a man who is what YOU need hime to be and if that means college educated, childless, career oriented and gainfully employed then that's what that means. You don't have to apologize for that.
No other group of women apologize for wanting those things. Black women don't either.
Leave the man alone. You can't save someone who doesn't want to be saved.
Support your girlfriend the best way you can but check her drama at the door.
You can help and still want more for yourself. You deserve it. We all do.
I meant what I said when I said it was done. I hear you on finding someone who is what I need him to be. Maybe I need an attitude adjustment because as the years go on I start thinking how much more and more impossible this seems.
For me, for now, for most of my adult life, try as I might, this has equaled being very much alone. And I don't know how to deal with that either.
You know, in my life right now I have a living situation I hate, not sure what I'm doing in grad school besides going through with the motions (barely), a family that's thousands of miles away, oh, and a great credit score. But what in the hell does this stuff mean in isolation? I'm so lonely and unfulfilled that I don't know what to do with myself. Sometimes it just feels easier to just do what the fuck I wanna do because "doing the right thing" appears to be getting me nowhere I wanna be.
Hi Orange,
Great blog-I’ve only check you out since last night but I love how honest you are. I COMPLETELY identify with your feelings of depression, isolation, wonder-want and just general blah-ness. I don’t have any advice to give you but I do hope that you get what you need. One thing someone once told me was that no matter what, all I ever had to be was me. No matter where I ended up or what I did-all I ever had to be was the person I was feeling I was in the moment. I’ve learned the hard way that you should let go of the bullshit if you want ANY chance at emotional survival. I’m still struggling with the being honest with yourself part-but you seem to have that down pat. Keep on doing what you do and you will find your peace. I had to move 5,000 miles away to NORWAY of all places in order to find some sense of peace-you do what you gotta do.
Check me out when you get a chance….Whitney
Vakkerkvinne.blogspot.com
Thanks vakker. I really appreciate your comments. :) I will definitely come by and check you out.
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