After months and months of going back and forth, I finally kicked my male attachment to the curb. Yes, the dude I've been dealing with for the past 5 years. Our relationship has totally changed from where it started. I started feeling weighed down, leaned on for support when I needed support my-damn-self, and then once he started picking fights with me, I was done. I have no regrets about ending this either, even though he acts like he won't take no for an answer, and I'm halfway expecting him to just pop up at my door one day.
I "discovered" a new dude. Well, he's not really new. We've been in contact for almost 10 years now. I knew he liked me, but I never really gave him a chance. I was stuck on "he's not my type." Well, my mind was changed after a rather nice evening with him on a weekend trip out of town (I'll also talk more about this later). The timing is awful though... He's in an accelerated training program that condenses 2 years of education into 6 months for a promotion he received from his job. His days are spent working and studying. I'm busy (when I'm not stressed or overwhelmed) with this dissertation and applying for jobs in the current state of the economy. So right now we're in a holding pattern...
And I'm being really pragmatic about this. One of my major goals this year is to obtain the lifestyle that I want - outside of any professional pursuits. I'm invested in my career, but I can't have a life with a degree/job. I want to marry. I want a family. As far as I'm concerned, I'm "in training" for the life that I really want. What happens between us remains to be seen - whether he's really serious about dating or even sees marriage as a possibility - so I'm still keeping my eyes and options open.
Lastly, my depression is completely under control. Therapy + meds + change of location/situation does a lot toward furthering mental health, I've found. It was a major milestone that I didn't need to go to therapy every week, but rather every two weeks - and didn't cry through each and every last session.
I've gotten really serious about taking more control over my health. Professionally, I'm doing well, but it took me getting broken down to realize what's the use if I didn't have physical and emotional health. If you let it happen, you will be driven into an early grave by what other people want or expect out of you - be it work, family, or friends. Naw, I'm looking out for me. Making myself a priority, maybe for the first time in my life.
This includes keeping my depression in check. And eating healthfully/working out on a regular basis. I'm still on Week One of this campaign, but I'm gonna stick to it. "Making it" and "surviving" grad school entailed emotional/stress eating which afforded a 50+ pound weight gain that I couldn't afford in the first place. For a long time, I was stuck on the "life isn't fair" and beating myself up about it, but at this point, it's about me. Sure, someone else may have an easier go at managing their weight, but that's really beside the point. I can either do the work to make it better for me - or I can sit and pout about what someone else is/isn't doing. The latter is no longer an option for me.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
wow - it's been over 1 year
I can hardly believe that it has been over a year since I updated this blog. My goodness how things may change in 365 days.
I no longer reside in Michigan. July 2008 I decided that I had had enough... Being so far away from my family, my support system, heck, even constant sunlight was wearing me thin (not physically, but we'll get to that point). It was like a spur of the moment decision, but I went into my advisor's office and point-blank announced, "I need to leave Michigan." She was like, "Now." And I said yes. I had decided that I was tired of waiting around for "someday in the future" for things to magically get better or to be content with my life - and I was living in quite a state of discontent the entire time I lived there. It was a good decision. And one I had to make alone. I don't know anyone else in my department who left the area for the same reasons as I did. And that, I decided, is perfectly fine. This is my life, after all. I can't live it for other people - or what they might think.
I'm still working towards my Ph.D. I don't think I had even started my dissertation when I was actively posting, but I'm due to stand before my committee and defend my proposal in less than 2 weeks. Notice I said defend my proposal; this does not mean I've completed the dissertation in any stretch of the imagination. I'm very pleased with my progress thus far. I had to do 10 revisions of a 6o+ page document to get thus far - and I'm still pressing forward. That's cause for celebration, in my opinion.
I have my own apartment and a dog. I don't remember how many times I've said to myself that the ONLY thing I wanted (in the very immediate future) was my own home and a pet. Well, against my parents' wishes, I now have both. I am also very happy with this decision.
I'm kinda in limbo right now. I have 4 more months of guaranteed funding. I applied for dissertation fellowships to give me an extra year of funding. No report back on whether I've gotten them or not (Well, not true - I did get a notice that I hadn't been chosen for one, even though my department nominated me for the award). I'm also applying for postdoctoral jobs - in the event that I get no additional funding and it is most prudent for me to go ahead and graduate. Again, no word on those either.
I'm working on remaining hopeful that things will work out in the best way possible.
I no longer reside in Michigan. July 2008 I decided that I had had enough... Being so far away from my family, my support system, heck, even constant sunlight was wearing me thin (not physically, but we'll get to that point). It was like a spur of the moment decision, but I went into my advisor's office and point-blank announced, "I need to leave Michigan." She was like, "Now." And I said yes. I had decided that I was tired of waiting around for "someday in the future" for things to magically get better or to be content with my life - and I was living in quite a state of discontent the entire time I lived there. It was a good decision. And one I had to make alone. I don't know anyone else in my department who left the area for the same reasons as I did. And that, I decided, is perfectly fine. This is my life, after all. I can't live it for other people - or what they might think.
I'm still working towards my Ph.D. I don't think I had even started my dissertation when I was actively posting, but I'm due to stand before my committee and defend my proposal in less than 2 weeks. Notice I said defend my proposal; this does not mean I've completed the dissertation in any stretch of the imagination. I'm very pleased with my progress thus far. I had to do 10 revisions of a 6o+ page document to get thus far - and I'm still pressing forward. That's cause for celebration, in my opinion.
I have my own apartment and a dog. I don't remember how many times I've said to myself that the ONLY thing I wanted (in the very immediate future) was my own home and a pet. Well, against my parents' wishes, I now have both. I am also very happy with this decision.
I'm kinda in limbo right now. I have 4 more months of guaranteed funding. I applied for dissertation fellowships to give me an extra year of funding. No report back on whether I've gotten them or not (Well, not true - I did get a notice that I hadn't been chosen for one, even though my department nominated me for the award). I'm also applying for postdoctoral jobs - in the event that I get no additional funding and it is most prudent for me to go ahead and graduate. Again, no word on those either.
I'm working on remaining hopeful that things will work out in the best way possible.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
closure
The theme of the other week in group therapy was "closure." I've been really reflective on this lately, especially in regards to past relationships.
I met Cincinnati when I was 21 years old. He had a good couple of years on me, he and I were about close as close can get, we weren't "officially together" (and I haven't been official with anyone for a good 8 years), but this was what I considered the second relationship of my adult life. He and I spent so much time together, as my sister put it, "I was just sure ya'll were in love." Save for trips out of town, for a good 6-8 months, we saw and/or spoke to each other everyday. He was my boyfriend by another name.
Of some of the endearing things he used to do were: knock twice on my bedroom window to come through following work every evening, bring in oatmeal raisin cookies from Subway because he knew I liked them, laugh at all of my dumb stories because he found me "amusing" (a high compliment coming from him), wrap his arms around me at night while we slept, wake up while I was getting dressed for work in the morning and tell me I looked beautiful, and when I needed something else -- some sexual satisfaction -- he would unselfishly give that to me too.
I was really hurt when we started growing apart. What was everyday communication broke down into every other week, then every few months, then down to nothing at all. He had been talking for years about wanting to get married - and he called my bluff - and went out and actually did it last year.
I had a hard time accepting that he never even told me he was engaged. Or planning a wedding. I knew he was dating someone, just didn't know it was this serious. Hurt when he forwarded me the wedding pictures where he held her hand at the altar and wiped a tear away with the other. All I could see was this picture-perfect wedding that I feared I would never have.
I've been thinking about him a lot lately. It used to be that I couldn't listen to an Anthony Hamilton song without thinking of him (he was a major fan with that first CD). I especially think of the laughter and comfort and good times that we shared together - at times like now when I am painfully lonely for a man's interest/touch/affection.
It was only a year or two out of my life, but I have especially fond memories of him. Now when he crosses my mind, I hope that he's happy, and I wish for the happiness that I felt with him again with someone else.
I met Cincinnati when I was 21 years old. He had a good couple of years on me, he and I were about close as close can get, we weren't "officially together" (and I haven't been official with anyone for a good 8 years), but this was what I considered the second relationship of my adult life. He and I spent so much time together, as my sister put it, "I was just sure ya'll were in love." Save for trips out of town, for a good 6-8 months, we saw and/or spoke to each other everyday. He was my boyfriend by another name.
Of some of the endearing things he used to do were: knock twice on my bedroom window to come through following work every evening, bring in oatmeal raisin cookies from Subway because he knew I liked them, laugh at all of my dumb stories because he found me "amusing" (a high compliment coming from him), wrap his arms around me at night while we slept, wake up while I was getting dressed for work in the morning and tell me I looked beautiful, and when I needed something else -- some sexual satisfaction -- he would unselfishly give that to me too.
I was really hurt when we started growing apart. What was everyday communication broke down into every other week, then every few months, then down to nothing at all. He had been talking for years about wanting to get married - and he called my bluff - and went out and actually did it last year.
I had a hard time accepting that he never even told me he was engaged. Or planning a wedding. I knew he was dating someone, just didn't know it was this serious. Hurt when he forwarded me the wedding pictures where he held her hand at the altar and wiped a tear away with the other. All I could see was this picture-perfect wedding that I feared I would never have.
I've been thinking about him a lot lately. It used to be that I couldn't listen to an Anthony Hamilton song without thinking of him (he was a major fan with that first CD). I especially think of the laughter and comfort and good times that we shared together - at times like now when I am painfully lonely for a man's interest/touch/affection.
It was only a year or two out of my life, but I have especially fond memories of him. Now when he crosses my mind, I hope that he's happy, and I wish for the happiness that I felt with him again with someone else.
change your world
I'm revisiting Anthony Hamilton's album "Ain't Nobody Worryin'."
Somehow I think this has something to do with Cincinnati. Dude I used to kick it HARD with a loooooong time ago.
I love this damn song.
"Change Your World."
Somehow I think this has something to do with Cincinnati. Dude I used to kick it HARD with a loooooong time ago.
I love this damn song.
"Change Your World."
101 Ways For Self Motivation
I was really feeling this one:
#21. Feel Good First
Most people think they’ll feel good once they reach some goal. They think happiness is OVER THERE somewhere. The problem with feeling good about yourself until you hit a goal is that it might never happen. By linking happiness to something you don’t have yet, you denying yourself the power to create it in the moment. Your happiness is your birth right. It shouldn’t depend on you ACHIEVING something. Start by claiming it and using it to make your journey fun all the way and not just at the end.
Click here to read the rest.
#21. Feel Good First
Most people think they’ll feel good once they reach some goal. They think happiness is OVER THERE somewhere. The problem with feeling good about yourself until you hit a goal is that it might never happen. By linking happiness to something you don’t have yet, you denying yourself the power to create it in the moment. Your happiness is your birth right. It shouldn’t depend on you ACHIEVING something. Start by claiming it and using it to make your journey fun all the way and not just at the end.
Click here to read the rest.
Friday, December 21, 2007
year of completion
Has 2007 been a year of completion for you?
2007 is a year that ends a nine year cycle. As with all endings comes the realization of certain truths in our lives. In a nine year you get the opportunity to reassess decisions you’ve made or did not make over the past nine years. Be prepared to see the success of seeds planted and nurtured throughout the years and the opportunity to plant new seeds. Be also aware that many patterns and habits that you have been repeating through the years that are not for your highest good will be revealed to you, so you can free yourself from them for once and for all.
A new year always gives us that new surge of energy that makes us say "this is the year!" What’s different about a nine year is that you will be shown how your efforts have paid off for you. For those who have worked hard and smart, you will be rewarded this year. Many of you have already seen the realization of a goal or dream and 2007 is the further expression of it. The energy of success brings more of the same. This is a time to explore new possibilities for yourself in business, relationships, or your personal development. This is a time to dream new and bigger dreams. A time to plant new seeds that will harvest bigger crops.
In a nine year you will be surprised by how many old friends you run into. People tend to resurface, sometimes to remind you about a particular quality you’ve let go dormant, or to remind you of good times you’ve shared, or to bring closure between you. You may also have old problems resurface that were not handled correctly. When you acknowledge this as a gift you can grow from the experience. When you connect with someone or something from your past ask yourself “what is the lesson and blessing that this person or situation represents?” In doing this you are able see the truth in the experience. Being forced to acknowledge and pay your debt is a good thing. Being reminded that you were a wonderful teacher, or mentor is also a good thing.
This is also a year of completion. If you’re in a dead-end job or relationship, look at when it started, or when you made the decision to settle. This is not a year to harbor regrets, but a year to make a conscious decision to end a pattern, a habit, a form of thinking, or a way of being. Be willing to let go of the dead weight in your life. Remember: You have to be willing to get rid of what you don’t want to make room for what you do want.
You have to take the time to evaluate your life. Look at all the areas of your life. Examine your successes and your perceived failures and congratulate yourself on both for your efforts. Then take each one and see how you can raise the bar, or do it better. Create a plan to achieve your new goals and put it into action.
2007 promises to bring joy and fulfillment. Be willing to receive it. Be willing to embrace the new and unknown and know that you are supported by the Universe. Happy New Year, Happy New You.
Friday, November 30, 2007
i go to group therapy...
...and this week we touched on dealing with emotional pain that comes with the territory of being a smart Black girl in a doctoral program in whitebread America.
I shared with the group that the part of my life that I am most dissatisfied with is my love life. Not that I want to up and get married in the next year or something, but it would be nice to have someone, a partner, someone to lean on.
I can't remember the last time I had a man call me up just to hang out or stay in a watch Blockbuster movies. The last time a man touched me was.... well, I can't even remember. This shit hurts. If touch and physical affection are human needs, I am drastically deprived. My shit is on empty.
One of the group members said something that resonated with me. She described this environment as "social assault" on Black women. In such an overly-competitive, academic environment, our professional colleagues aren't especially friendly and welcoming. Our social environment is overwhelmingly comprised of people who don't see me except as a caricature. There aren't many brothas to speak of. And when I'm in arenas with our brothas I don't necessarily feel especially loved or supported either. The reality is it's extremely isolating and oftentimes hostile to one's sense of self.
When I'm not numb to the pain, it swells and throbs and aches. And this is how we end up in therapy.
I shared with the group that the part of my life that I am most dissatisfied with is my love life. Not that I want to up and get married in the next year or something, but it would be nice to have someone, a partner, someone to lean on.
I can't remember the last time I had a man call me up just to hang out or stay in a watch Blockbuster movies. The last time a man touched me was.... well, I can't even remember. This shit hurts. If touch and physical affection are human needs, I am drastically deprived. My shit is on empty.
One of the group members said something that resonated with me. She described this environment as "social assault" on Black women. In such an overly-competitive, academic environment, our professional colleagues aren't especially friendly and welcoming. Our social environment is overwhelmingly comprised of people who don't see me except as a caricature. There aren't many brothas to speak of. And when I'm in arenas with our brothas I don't necessarily feel especially loved or supported either. The reality is it's extremely isolating and oftentimes hostile to one's sense of self.
When I'm not numb to the pain, it swells and throbs and aches. And this is how we end up in therapy.
damn, december already?
I've been feeling kinda weird lately. Can anyone else get with the concept of "arrested development?" I recently discovered that my younger sister officially makes more money than me. Not only that, but she's shopping for her first home purchase. :(
I don't begrudge my sister anything. I'm so glad she found a job that she likes with a schedule that works for her and is making some money. But damn.... I've got 3 years on her.... I'm absolutely dying to make my first home purchase, but I have no down payment funds to speak of. And probably won't for a few years. Ouch. That hurt to say that.
Shit, fuck it, I'm jealous. I said it.
And she doesn't realize what she has.... I pointed out a free first homeowners seminar in the newspaper and she didn't even get the importance. *sigh* I would give my left kidney to have this opportunity within reach.
I don't begrudge my sister anything. I'm so glad she found a job that she likes with a schedule that works for her and is making some money. But damn.... I've got 3 years on her.... I'm absolutely dying to make my first home purchase, but I have no down payment funds to speak of. And probably won't for a few years. Ouch. That hurt to say that.
Shit, fuck it, I'm jealous. I said it.
And she doesn't realize what she has.... I pointed out a free first homeowners seminar in the newspaper and she didn't even get the importance. *sigh* I would give my left kidney to have this opportunity within reach.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
wearing the mask
I'm probably a sucky friend. I'm supposed to go to a dinner party/birthday celebration tonight. I'm really just not feeling it.
Let me try to verbalize how I'm feeling in words... It takes a lot to put on the happy face in order to get up and go out sometimes. Sort of like that Paul Laurence Dunbar poem - we wear the mask. I have worn the shit out of that mask. Sometimes I can pick it up and put it on, sometimes I can't. This is one of those can't nights.
This is the same reason why it's so difficult for me to pick up the phone and call people. Who wants to hear from someone who's always feeling blah-to-crappy?
I feel bad/guilty for not going. She was really expecting me to come out. It's not like I'm sick or hurting or anything like that. I'm just not feeling it. And I have to come to terms with that and have it be all right - regardless of other's expectations.
Let me try to verbalize how I'm feeling in words... It takes a lot to put on the happy face in order to get up and go out sometimes. Sort of like that Paul Laurence Dunbar poem - we wear the mask. I have worn the shit out of that mask. Sometimes I can pick it up and put it on, sometimes I can't. This is one of those can't nights.
This is the same reason why it's so difficult for me to pick up the phone and call people. Who wants to hear from someone who's always feeling blah-to-crappy?
I feel bad/guilty for not going. She was really expecting me to come out. It's not like I'm sick or hurting or anything like that. I'm just not feeling it. And I have to come to terms with that and have it be all right - regardless of other's expectations.
bitter and disgruntled
Maybe it's just me... Listen to this scenario and tell me if it makes any sense to you. I don't get it.
I am absent for my classes last week because of an out-of-town funeral. I send a notice to my class informing them of why I will not be in class or available for the duration of the week. I tell them that class will go on as planned - with a substitute teacher of sorts - and to bring their books with them for an in-class assignment. When I get back to town, I see that 4 students didn't come to class. Why? I'm just going to assume that they're playing hooky because the teacher is out.
I email the prof that I teach with. She says to allow them to make up the assignment. Something about this doesn't sit well with me, so I get to thinking, ok, they can make it up for full credit if and only if they have an excused absence. Otherwise, they shouldn't have missed class, and when you miss class, as an adult you take the risk of missing out on something. And I'm allowing the unexcused absences to make it up for partial credit.
Well, the prof decides to pull rank and says that it isn't fair for me to assume that they're out playing hooky (*rolls eyes*, it wasn't that long ago that I was an undergrad myself, I know their games) and everyone is allowed a "free" absence, so I should let them all retake for full credit.
What in the hell kind of message are we sending here? It's OK to skip classes for no reason, after all, the teachers will allow us to remake everything I missed at full credit? Shit, why come to class at all, under this reasoning?
OK, to my credit, I ask the absentees if they have excused absences. One kid writes back. He says that he missed class because he had to pick up his best friend from the airport (WTF?). Additionally, he also missed class this week because he had to pick up his girlfriend from the airport (double WTF?). This same kid left class earlier in the semester to catch a flight. SMH. How in the fuck does everyone you know seem to fly during my classtime?
My feelings are.... you know what you risk by not coming to class.... I understand if you were sick, but to just not come to class for no good reason at all - and then to force my hand to reward that behavior is a bit ridiculous. Now does this make any sense to you? I swear, these undergrads at allegedly a top-tier university skate through college with inflated grade point averages and without a lick of responsibility.
Take an insider view on the situation. The American college education system is going to hell in a handbasket.
I am absent for my classes last week because of an out-of-town funeral. I send a notice to my class informing them of why I will not be in class or available for the duration of the week. I tell them that class will go on as planned - with a substitute teacher of sorts - and to bring their books with them for an in-class assignment. When I get back to town, I see that 4 students didn't come to class. Why? I'm just going to assume that they're playing hooky because the teacher is out.
I email the prof that I teach with. She says to allow them to make up the assignment. Something about this doesn't sit well with me, so I get to thinking, ok, they can make it up for full credit if and only if they have an excused absence. Otherwise, they shouldn't have missed class, and when you miss class, as an adult you take the risk of missing out on something. And I'm allowing the unexcused absences to make it up for partial credit.
Well, the prof decides to pull rank and says that it isn't fair for me to assume that they're out playing hooky (*rolls eyes*, it wasn't that long ago that I was an undergrad myself, I know their games) and everyone is allowed a "free" absence, so I should let them all retake for full credit.
What in the hell kind of message are we sending here? It's OK to skip classes for no reason, after all, the teachers will allow us to remake everything I missed at full credit? Shit, why come to class at all, under this reasoning?
OK, to my credit, I ask the absentees if they have excused absences. One kid writes back. He says that he missed class because he had to pick up his best friend from the airport (WTF?). Additionally, he also missed class this week because he had to pick up his girlfriend from the airport (double WTF?). This same kid left class earlier in the semester to catch a flight. SMH. How in the fuck does everyone you know seem to fly during my classtime?
My feelings are.... you know what you risk by not coming to class.... I understand if you were sick, but to just not come to class for no good reason at all - and then to force my hand to reward that behavior is a bit ridiculous. Now does this make any sense to you? I swear, these undergrads at allegedly a top-tier university skate through college with inflated grade point averages and without a lick of responsibility.
Take an insider view on the situation. The American college education system is going to hell in a handbasket.
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