Saturday, February 21, 2009

wow - it's been over 1 year (part two)

After months and months of going back and forth, I finally kicked my male attachment to the curb. Yes, the dude I've been dealing with for the past 5 years. Our relationship has totally changed from where it started. I started feeling weighed down, leaned on for support when I needed support my-damn-self, and then once he started picking fights with me, I was done. I have no regrets about ending this either, even though he acts like he won't take no for an answer, and I'm halfway expecting him to just pop up at my door one day.

I "discovered" a new dude. Well, he's not really new. We've been in contact for almost 10 years now. I knew he liked me, but I never really gave him a chance. I was stuck on "he's not my type." Well, my mind was changed after a rather nice evening with him on a weekend trip out of town (I'll also talk more about this later). The timing is awful though... He's in an accelerated training program that condenses 2 years of education into 6 months for a promotion he received from his job. His days are spent working and studying. I'm busy (when I'm not stressed or overwhelmed) with this dissertation and applying for jobs in the current state of the economy. So right now we're in a holding pattern...

And I'm being really pragmatic about this. One of my major goals this year is to obtain the lifestyle that I want - outside of any professional pursuits. I'm invested in my career, but I can't have a life with a degree/job. I want to marry. I want a family. As far as I'm concerned, I'm "in training" for the life that I really want. What happens between us remains to be seen - whether he's really serious about dating or even sees marriage as a possibility - so I'm still keeping my eyes and options open.

Lastly, my depression is completely under control. Therapy + meds + change of location/situation does a lot toward furthering mental health, I've found. It was a major milestone that I didn't need to go to therapy every week, but rather every two weeks - and didn't cry through each and every last session.

I've gotten really serious about taking more control over my health. Professionally, I'm doing well, but it took me getting broken down to realize what's the use if I didn't have physical and emotional health. If you let it happen, you will be driven into an early grave by what other people want or expect out of you - be it work, family, or friends. Naw, I'm looking out for me. Making myself a priority, maybe for the first time in my life.

This includes keeping my depression in check. And eating healthfully/working out on a regular basis. I'm still on Week One of this campaign, but I'm gonna stick to it. "Making it" and "surviving" grad school entailed emotional/stress eating which afforded a 50+ pound weight gain that I couldn't afford in the first place. For a long time, I was stuck on the "life isn't fair" and beating myself up about it, but at this point, it's about me. Sure, someone else may have an easier go at managing their weight, but that's really beside the point. I can either do the work to make it better for me - or I can sit and pout about what someone else is/isn't doing. The latter is no longer an option for me.

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