Sunday, November 18, 2007

wearing the mask

I'm probably a sucky friend. I'm supposed to go to a dinner party/birthday celebration tonight. I'm really just not feeling it.

Let me try to verbalize how I'm feeling in words... It takes a lot to put on the happy face in order to get up and go out sometimes. Sort of like that Paul Laurence Dunbar poem - we wear the mask. I have worn the shit out of that mask. Sometimes I can pick it up and put it on, sometimes I can't. This is one of those can't nights.

This is the same reason why it's so difficult for me to pick up the phone and call people. Who wants to hear from someone who's always feeling blah-to-crappy?

I feel bad/guilty for not going. She was really expecting me to come out. It's not like I'm sick or hurting or anything like that. I'm just not feeling it. And I have to come to terms with that and have it be all right - regardless of other's expectations.

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