one of my favorite scriptures

This is one of my favorite scriptures from the book of Ecclesiastes... I thought about it tonight.

For everything there is a season,
And a time for every matter under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
A time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
A time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh;
A time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to throw away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to seek, and a time to lose;
A time to keep, and a time to throw away;
A time to tear, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate,
A time for war, and a time for peace.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

I've been thinking alot about life and death lately. Maybe because of the funeral. I cannot imagine the pain of losing my mother, but I know that that time will come. I feel like I'm working on borrowed time. I spent part of my visit back home being the supportive friend, but I also played good daughter and granddaughter.

I feel like I'm working on borrowed time. My grandmothers are still in good health, but they are getting older. In the past 4 years, my maternal grandmother's abilities to be self-sufficient have deteriorated swiftly. She used to ask me when I was done with school and when I answered, she would say that she might not be alive by then.

It is with a tremendously heavy heart that I board the airplane every time I come back here. There is so much life that I'm missing out on by being 1000+ miles away from home. You know, some people can't wait to get away from home, but my relationship with my birthplace is renewing. If there's anything that's sustaining, it's family. And right now they are too far away.

I'm missing the early years of my godson's life. Really, how much visiting can you do in the space of a few short days? I would love to take him to the zoo someday or just hang out at my house. If I have children, I want them to really know their grandparents because they've spent those early years seeing them on a very regular basis, and not just a voice on the phone or a signature in a greeting card. I want them to see where I grew up, how I lived. How I got from here to there.

Today I came back to Neverneverland under gray, cloudy skies. It is like this for months on end during the winter. Every winter. Not to mention the cold. It feels like gritting my teeth to get through the days sometimes. I take solace in knowing that this will be my last winter here. Lord willing.

Death is difficult, but it has opened up some dialogue amongst me and my people. How to go on living knowing that things are swiftly changing. Just like my grandmother did for her mother, she will have to leave her home of 50+ years to live with my family. How memories fade, like her short-term memory. How people pass on.

If love is what life is about, then let me live squarely in its center. This is my prayer. Amen.