not been a good week for me

I've been really emotional this week. And it feels like I just lost my best friend.

Yesterday started off crazy... I was proctoring an exam for the class that I teach. So we're sitting here in the huge lecture hall and the professor is running back and forth in between rooms to make sure that everyone is situated. The other TA's are in other classrooms helping proctor.

One of the TA's sends me a text asking how everything was going. My texts make a short chirping sound. I responded back, didn't turn down the volume because I didn't think she would text back. Well, she did. At this point, YT girl in one of the front rows says aloud rudely: "Will you turn off your phone?"

I could feel the blood boiling in my veins. I loudly said to the entire class that I was communicating with the professor and GSIs about the exam. Sorry to interrupt. This chick does not know how close she got to being told off. And before this, I was having a reasonably good day.

I've posted before about how I've been super busy and overwhelmed. Well, I've missed about 4 of my Creative Writing classes. Last week I talked to the instructor about setting up a gameplan because I'm overwhelmed with other responsibilities. We discuss setting our own deadline so that I could stay in the class. Well, I emailed her last night with my schedule, and she writes back saying that because I've missed so many classes I should probably go ahead and drop.

I don't know why, but I'm feeling really upset about this. I really enjoyed this class. I hate being advised to drop. This is being extremely melodramatic, but I feel like I lost a piece of myself. This class was part of what was making me happy and excited and looking forward to the rest of the semester. And now it's no more.

my celebrity twin...

...looking FABULOUS!!!

I don't know how many times in my life people have told me that I look like her. Too many times to count.

I take it that she got a new stylist because these days she's looking absolutely fabulous. Now if I could have her BODY! Yowzas!

Work it, Serena! Work it, girl!

talking en espanol

I received my matches from Speed Dating the other night. Even though I marked "yes" for like 5 different dudes, I only got one match. But guess from who? Mr. Chit Chat en Espanol. Arguably, the most attractive dude in the room. So I should be excited, right?

Well, my insecurity is kicking up again. I was confident in myself for just one night. My mind immediately went to: "Wait, this must be some kind of mistake" and "He's probably just looking for someone to talk to in Spanish again." Not that dude might actually be interested, as was the point of speed dating in the first place.

Really. What's wrong with me? I've had the email sitting in my inbox and now I'm afraid to use the email addy.

hard dick and tricks

Man, this is entertaining....



"Stop liking the dick that don't like you." -- Alexyss K. Tylor

the next 3-5

I think I'm going to have a talk with the family at some point.

I'm not losing sleep over this right now, but it is figuring in as an issue that I may have to deal soon. There is still a chance that I may court with a young man, get married, and pop out a couple of kids before I end up being the oldest mother in preschool.

Well, I'm starting to figure... If not, then what? A plan B, if you will.

I want babies. I'm not necessarily ready to have them at this very moment, but I will in the next 3-5 years. I feel like most of the decisions I've made in regards to my life and career have had to do with sacrifice and providing a life for my unborn children. I never imagined I might be doing this alone, but there is no way that I'm giving up my right to have kids.

I could literally give two hot shits about my career, except that I want to do something with flexible hours, that doesn't bore me to tears or work me to death, with maximal pay/benefits. End statement.

I never thought this might be me, but I may have to start thinking through some alternative means to the "white picket fences" scenario. Damn what anyone else thinks or has to say.

my life flashed before my eyes

Here's my emotional trauma from yesterday. I didn't have time to post, but I was HEATED, do you hear me? I had to leave campus because I was ready to go off on some white kids...

Yesterday I'm leaving therapy. It was a rather good session because I've been having a rather good week. For the first time in a long time, no crying whatsoever. I'm feeling good until...

I go to walk across the crosswalk. I stop, look both ways, and proceed to cross. There is a car slowing down to a halt at the stop sign. As soon as I step a foot in the crosswalk, this white muhfucka decides to press on the accelerator like he bout to hit me! The car screeches to a halt literally one foot away from me. I almost fall across the hood of the car and look up to see this bastid and his friend smiling and laughing like this was the joke of the year.

Ya'll wanna know I almost LOST it?! I was about to show the fuck out and bust some heads in the middle of the dayum street! (Well, I would have if I can physically get that angry with someone. It's a rare occurrence.) How about you wanna bet I would have pulled some isht like this cops would have swooped down out of nowhere and hauled my azz downtown? I know he saw my black ass in a big black coat walking across that damn street!

These white kids walk across the damn street without looking and cars slow up not to hit their dumb asses. This bastard decides to play target practice with my ass. Fuck the dumb shit. Teenaged white boys behind the wheel of a car are a menace to society. That is my final word.

speed dating

I had to be talked into going to speed dating last night. I'm really glad that I went. Some of the usuals were there: the party promoters themselves, the dirty old men, the friends of the party promoters. And I was in rare form.

I don't know what was going on, but I was working it! I was sitting at the bar before the speed dating began and caught eyes with the rather attractive party promoter. We locked eyes. I smiled. He came over and introduced himself. You may never know what a big deal this is. Me? Used to playing the wallflower?

Well, I sat down at that table, and I was "on." I was witty, talkative, and charming. I was inquisitive. I maintained eye contact. I smiled and laughed when appropriate. I took the "nerves" down a couple of notches. One guy even told me how comfortable I seemed. Not me - Shy and Nervous Nellie. Imagine that!

OK. So there was one extra-cute guy. He said down at my table and we proceeded to have our entire convo in Spanish! I was being silly and said he was "numero cinco" as he walked up and we took it from there. LOL. Come to find out... he's been to the Dominican Republic too. I was intrigued. It's been a long time since I've met a man to be intrigued with.

I'm not certain there were any "love matches," but I marked down "yes" to anyone who didn't seem like insanity on wheels. [An aside: Why did my girlfriend get stuck at this table with a dirty old man who kept asking her is she was sexually active? This fool then went on to explain that he was married but looking for a girlfriend. WTF?]

If I get any mutual matches, I will soon find out. By the way, I've decided that I'm on the "marriage and kid track" with a goal of crossing the finish line in the next 5 years. After that, we're making some isht happen. LOL. So I'm working with the 80/20 rule from "Why Did I Get Married." Is this person at least 80% close to what I want/need from a partner? And we shall meet in the middle on the rest.

school daze

Picture Spike Lee's film "School Daze." You know, I never really got the tension between the college folks and the noncollegiate Black community till this weekend. I didn't get a favorable impression of the student culture at Morehouse/Spelman. I have never seen so many bourgie, elitist-acting mofos in a loooooong time. Not that everyone is like that, but it seems like too many definitely are.

Even the feel of Homecoming was different from my alma mater. I think of ours as very fun-loving and familial. Folks ain't walking around putting on airs and whatnot. But maybe I'm biased. Ain't nobody too good to buy a rib sammich, lol.

I went to a private party in a hotel suite this weekend. There we were - we were introduced, but folks weren't really acting friendly and mixing and mingling, save for a few people - and later we all go out to the same club and these same guys (and girls) act like they didn't know us, when we just saw them 20 minutes ago. WTF is up with that?

And this is way off-topic, but a subject that needs to be addressed anyway... So all of these new negroes were milling about the suite when one of them told us about the "entertainment" in the other room. Low and behold, they had "rented" a stripper (is this was you call it? LOL), and there she was, naked as the day she was born, getting paid to lather up in the shower and be ogled for the evening.

This was really puzzling and troubling to me at the same time. I mean, I was speechless. I made a joke that if you're paying for a stripper, I'm going to need her to hop up on the tabletop and work it out. At the heart of what I was feeling is a sense of disgust for some of these new negroes who feel like somebody needs to kiss their asses because they represent the "cream of the crop" (and ergo, can do whatever the fuck they wanna because "I got the degree, I got the money, I've got all these women at my disposal and I dare you to say something about it"). I mean, WTF?! That shit had me genuinely pissed the fuck off.

I've got alot more to say about some disturbing trends I've been noticing in "new negroes" (a.k.a. professional Black men), but I will save that for a later post. Let me say right now that higher education clearly does not approximate lesser ignorance.

ATL Shawty!

ATL was a blast! I'm always excited to get away from Neverneverland and this weekend was no different. Unofficially, I was going down for the SpelHouse homecoming, but I did a lot more hanging out than homecoming stuff.

I met a friend from an internet messageboard that I frequent. She went with me and my two friends to lunch at Atlantic Station. And we all went out clubbing at the Underground that night. Along with another friend from MI + boyfriend in tow. The energy in the place was infectious. I had on a bright yellow tunic top and jeans. My hair was bouncy and bangin'. What can I say? I was getting my shine on. My dance on. And my drink on. LOL.

I had a semi-realization this weekend. My life is closer to what I've always wanted it to be than it ever has been. I have the flexibility in my schedule that I desire. I've gotten to experience life in a totally different area of the country. I've gotten out of my shell and out of my comfort zone to make a whole new group of friends. We're jetsetting, partying like a rockstar on the weekends, but we're about our business. I still have some stuff to work on, but this life I lead is in a lot of ways infinitely better than if I had spend my life inside of my comfort zone in Florida. I'm glad I found it in myself to take the risk and get on out there.

ATL down. I want to plan a trip to NYC and L.A. and Paris is on the table for the Spring. I'm loving life right now!

when things fall apart

I'm on the verge again. I don't think I've felt quite this stressed in a few years and I'm about to say "fuck it" to a couple of situations.

This is the most stressful "short week" that I've ever had. Fall break was Monday and Tuesday. I spent those days sequestered at home, grading papers. Which I am still not done with, by the way. Unless some miracle happens between now and tomorrow, some of my students are about to be sorely disappointed. Doing this work is almost as tedious as taking out all those damn microbraids a few months ago.

I haven't had any time to work on my dissertation prospectus, thanks to all this damned grading I've had to do. As the cherry on top, I forgot to meet with my advisor today. I mean, completely forget. Never mind having that draft that I promised to her last weekend that I haven't even started on.

I'm crazy behind in Creative Writing. Haven't been to a class in two weeks nor turned in my poetry portfolio. Once the stress levels went up, writer's block set in.

I'm leaving for ATL tomorrow. What I should have done is waited until Friday to leave because I'm having to cram a bunch of work in between classes and then hightail my ass to the airport immediately after so I don't miss my flight. I won't even have time to come back home and pack. I have to get it done tonight and take my suitcases to school with me.

I have a whole new stack of papers to grade for my second job. *sigh*

I feel like I haven't had time to breathe lately. I almost want to skip ATL for some sleep, but I can't waste my plane ticket. SMH.

Lawdhamercy. And there's nothing I can do but hope for the best and start over tomorrow.

STFU!

These are words I should have uttered earlier today. For those unfamiliar, this means "shut the fuck up."

A very rude friend of my sister's comes in the house, says hello, looks squarely at me and asks: "What happened to you?"

I look down at myself, puzzled. I look back up at her. "What do you mean?"

"What happened to you?" she repeats. "You used to be way smaller than me."

Moment of clarity. Oh. She's talking about these 40+ pounds I've gained.

I should have said "Shut the fuck up" with a smile plastered on my face. Instead, I answered her question, and then ended with a "damn, that was harsh." She apologizes. Say she didn't mean it like that. I can understand cuz homegirl has a tendency to put her foot square in her mouth on the regular.

Just a little while ago, I swear, I would have went on with my feelings hurt and said nothing. Small victories, I tell ya.

seeing someone in a new light

Have you ever had an eye-opening conversation with someone that made you look at them in a totally different light? This happened to me today. I went to the second meeting of my support group. Unbeknowdst to me, someone I knew from the summer program I completed before starting my Ph.D. walked through the door. We had spent a lot of time in the big group of folks together, but I had never had a real conversation with her. I thought she was ok, but not my type of person to hang out with.

I never knew how much we had in common. I've changed in the past 3-1/2 years since we first met. I've learned how to be a little less guarded, more open, and genuine with my feelings. So maybe this is why we connected today. It was like getting to know her for the first time all over again. And we hung out for most of the day, which is totally unprecedented, talking non-stop the entire time. I just think there is a lot more to her than I ever realized. We probably learned more about each other in six hours than we had that entire summer.

I'm not saying we'll be bff's. Maybe we'll be closer friends or maybe this was an one-day dealie, but I'm glad I got this opportunity. It was refreshing to encounter a similar soul.

freaky experience

Not that kind of freaky experience. For purely entertainment purposes, I tagged along with a friend to a psychic fair. It was Saturday afternoon. I was bored. I'd never had a reading, so I figured, why not. I got a full reading with a bunch of different types of tarot cards. First, she told me some stuff about me and my life, and then at the end I got to ask specific questions.

I'll leave out all of the mundane stuff. I think she was like 75% accurate. But here's what freaked me out. She was reading my cards and said that she had a message for me from the "other side." And my heart dropped into my stomach. She said she was seeing an older man. Someone who died from something dealing with his heart, lungs, possibly a stroke. That detail rung the first bell for me. She went on to say that he used to have trouble walking around. And that he didn't speak much, possibly because he was unable to.

OK.... my step-grandfather had two strokes and he died when I was 12 or 13. After the first stroke he was paralyzed on one side of his body. And he didn't speak with the same fluency that he used to. He sort of mumbled. And he didn't talk much at all after the first stroke.

She said that she saw a rose, which means love. She said that I was one of his favorite people. And she saw another man, a family member still living, who was close to me and another one of his favorite people. I think this is my daddy, but I'm unclear. He said something about me not being so hard on myself. And something about my relationship with my daddy.

I really wasn't expecting this "message" to come through at all. How freaky is that?

ETA: You know I had to ask about children. Before I had even asked she said that she saw children around me. My specific question was when, but she didn't answer that, lol. She told me that the only reason why I hadn't had kids was because I was busy with my career. She said she saw two children. Two boys. One will be very outdoorsy and love the countryside, the other will be more "citi-fied" (her words, lol). Interesting indeed.

i've never uttered these words before...

...but I think I want a kid. Like soon.

Not that I'm going to go out and make it happen. Clearly I am not in a relationship. Clearly I haven't even had sex in ages. *sigh*

I've never felt it before, but I think I feel the itch.

my new anthem album

The new Keyshia Cole album "Just Like You" is the business.

A lot of people don't really care for her, but I LOVED her first album. After seeing her in concert, I knew I would go out and get the followup. This second album is really different. It's a lot more polished, future R&B-diva-in-the-making with a lot more ballads than the previous album.

I can dig the comparisons to Mary. There is a certain tough girl/ hidden vulnerability thing going on.

I've been bumping "Just Like You" nonstop since it came out last week. It's one of those albums you can play all the way through. I give it 4 stars (out of five).

not buying it!

Did anyone catch Clarence Thomas on 60 minutes? Apparently, he's written an autobiography, claiming being misunderstood, and I think, is trying to reinvent or re-spin his image. It's funny because I remember the confirmation hearing from when I was a kid. I didn't have any real adult insight into his psyche or why Black folks cried Uncle Tom, so his interview was intriguing. (Which in and of itself is intriguing because I've never really been interested in politics like that).

Well, after careful examination, I'm not buying it. I don't agree with his politics and I've went back and done some research... and he's had made some quite inflammatory statements. What I will never understand... I can get with 'pulling yourself up by your bootstraps,' but what if you have no 'boots' to begin with? If your argument is for 'merit only,' why don't you approach it from both sides of the equation -- no race-based quotas and no legacy systems, "buying your way" into universities/organization (aka WASP affirmative action). Merit is merit is merit. Why won't anyone go there? Simply put, it pisses off the powerful in this country by which "the old boys' network" is the "American Way."

CT is such an enigma because for as much as he claims to hate "tokenism" and "affirmative action" (for people of color), it seems like this is the very role he's playing out in the political arena. And for those who saw the interview, something about his story just doesn't jibe with me (and I love how they glossed over the sexual harassment issue with Anita Hill with his very white wife there to co-sign that it never happened *rolls eyes*). I will NOT be buying the book. And I really like how they tried to reincarnate his image for this next generation who missed all of the details and the mudslinging of the early '90s. I'm just not buying it.

And I think he sexually harassed that woman.

suddenly it all makes sense

Have you ever had this psychological wound that never seems to heal? You don't know where the wound came from. You don't remember being bumped or bruised or stabbed or pushed headfirst down the stairs. (I'm being cheeky here). Well, I figured out where mine came from this afternoon. It's a huge realization that I'm not quite sure how to deal with, but it has reared its ugly head.